Let’s rip apart bad fiction, shall we? Part 2

Part duex: All italics and images are my commentary

Stationed in his bedchamber, which was decorated with variant hues of red, gold and blue,

So?  I don’t care what his room looks like unless it’s important to the plot.  I have a vivid imagination.  I can make up a gay regent’s room all by myself.

Dante’s custodian

He does his job with his penis.  *wink*

anxiously paced the expansive area, quietly ruminating

‘Thinking’ is for commoners.  Gunter ‘ruminates’!

over his ward’s punishment,

Felonious buttock smacking?

when he heard the distinctive curses of the dark-haired boy, who was avidly complaining over his latest failed escape attempt.

Jesus, I’d be pissed too!

“Unhand me, you filthy mongrels,”

Oh, God.  Even the kid is verbose.

protested

We know he’s protesting.  Already Implied.

the young man

How young is young?  You know what, never mind.  I’ll just close my eyes and naively pretend he’s legal.  La la la laaaaaa.

on the other side of the door, before a soft knock was heard.

“You may enter.” Gunter stated, quickly smoothing away the creases in his white tunic.

Being a rapist is hard.  You gotta work to keep up appearances.

General Giraldus was the first to enter, quickly followed by the struggling Dante, who was firmly secured in the grips of two of his guardsmen, and then Edmund, who quietly closed the door behind him.

“Where did you find him?”

“I was told that he was stowed away in a traveling trader’s wagon this time. Luckily, my men possessed the foresight to search all outgoing caravans for any suspicious characters.”

Second sentence is unnecessary.  Wait…you mean you don’t normally check all outgoing caravans?

“Very good, Commander.” Affixing his focus on the frowning young man, Gunter sweetly said, “You actually managed to construct a viable distraction this time and in the process ruin the closing ceremonies for the festival. Tell me, where were you rushing off to, Dante?”

“Home,” replied the youth hastily. “I wanna return to Yorkshire to see my mother and sister.”

*tch* Home!?  Honestly, what an unreasonable request!

“I’m sorry, my dear boy, but as I stated before your home is here with me now.”

“Like hell!” Dante snarled, struggling anew.

“Your orders, Sire?”

RAEP

Not diverting his attentions from the grappling young man, Lord Maximus calmly stated, “Leave him to me. You and your men may leave, Giraldus. Edmund … you stay.”

I sense a naughty three-way!  Already?  In the first chapter?  Jeez.

“As you wish, my Lord.” The two guards promptly released the swearing youngster,

*sings* La la laaaaa.  He’s legal, legal, legal, legal.  He’s 18 and legaaaaaal.

who shrugged off their touch and stared furiously at them, as they exited with the Commander,

Well hello run-on sentence.  We meet again!

who offered Dante one final esthetic glare before closing the door.

What a brat, glaring at them for dragging him back to his rapist.

“Oh, my precious boy,”

*sings* Eighteen and legal, so, so very legal!

whispered the chuckling Gunter, recapturing the youth’s attention.

“You cannot escape my penis.”

“I’m afraid you’ve managed to severally incite my wrath this time.”

Jesus-child raping- Christ on a popsicle stick!  How does one severely incite wrath?  How about implicitly driving one to furrowed brows?  Creating a miasma of gritted teeth?  Poignantly destroying the subtle architecture of one’s control of their temper?  I could do this all day, baby.

Strolling over to a large oak cabinet, innocently

Yaoi fangirl code for: it’s full of whips, chains and dildos.

perched against the far wall of the bedchamber,

Gunter is too good for a bedROOM.

the regent opened the doors and exuded a grandiose sigh

facepalm

as he glanced over the many secretive implements of discipline inside.

Told ya.

“Whatever shall I punish you with this time?” he merrily asked, tapping an introspective finger against his lips.

“Mmmmyes, my dear boy.  Whatever shall I use to strike your felonious buttocks with?”

Clever enough to remain silent, Dante glared at the man as he gleefully glanced

Gleefully glancing.  Oh wow.

over the fetid

A good example of using a synonym wrong.  The author was using a slang term ‘rotten’ as in “Those rotten bastards” and looked up a synonym for ‘rotten’.  Fetid, unfortunately, actually means rotten and nothing else.  So, in this sense, the instruments are decaying and breaking down into smaller bits of matter.  An interesting visual, to say the least.

instruments, knowing he had little chance of escaping the administrator’s wrath now.

Pretty common thing seen in rape fictions where the victim ends up liking it (please don’t ask me how I know this), where the victim keeps assuring the audience that there’s no chance for escape.  Really, no chance.  See?  I would just get caught again!  No chance whatsoever, OMG.  It’s not so much a complaint as, in reality, I doubt Dante COULD get away, but fangirls assuring us repeatedly that there is no escape is what gets on my nerves.

“Ah! Here we go,” announced Lord Maximus,

I doubt this author has heard of the ‘said’ theory where most readers don’t comprehend the word said which is why it’s best to use it in most every case.  There are a few exceptions but Stephen King was right when he said to avoid adjectives like the plague.  They bog your writing down with useless details.  What does it matter if this particular statement was announced or said?

selecting a two foot, inch thick

Not technically wrong, but writing in a way that’s pretty jarring.  The reader’s mind will stumble over this statement and be pulled out of the narrative.

flogger and then closing the cabinet to turn and face the appalled youth. “What do you think, Dante?” He asked, repeatedly tapping the flogger against his open palm as he approached the boy. “If I’m not mistaken, I believe this device will convey my point to you without leaving any permanent marks.”

Unnecessary dialogue is unnecessary.  Anyone reading this story already knows what a flogger is for.  Oh, and they DO leave marks.  Don’t ask me how I know this…

“I-I’m not afraid of you.”

“You’re not,” inquired the administrator

Oh, Jesus H. Christ…

in a mockingly surprised tone.

Technically not necessary as is implied by the dialogue that he is being sarcastic.  Also, the statement doesn’t fit narrative flow, etc, etc.

“Well, if that were true, then you wouldn’t be recoiling from me, now would you?”

The youngster

I swear officer, I didn’t know she was three!

hadn’t even realized that he was receding until the man mentioned it, and promptly stopped to stand up a bit straighter and glare at the man defiantly.

Lord Maximus merely smiled, tickled that the young man’s spirit was so strong.

Is anyone else seeing Frankenfurter as Lord Maximus?

“You’re living in a world of fantasy if you believe you will ever escape me. You’re mine, Dante,” whispered the regent,

Of all the times to whisper, he does it when he needs to be a dominant seme.  *sighs*

Seme (top): *whisper* I’m going to dominate you*whisper*

Uke (bottom): …and?

skimming the end of the flogger down the boy’s heaving chest to his groin,

tee hee
simpering

Simper:
v.intr.
To smile in a silly, self-conscious, often coy manner.

v.tr.

To utter or express with a silly, self-conscious, often coy smile: simpered a lame excuse.

Simper is usually used to refer to someone covering a mistake by smiling or laughing it off.  Clearly, Maximus is being coy, but not self-conscious or silly.  Nor, is he covering a fuck up.

when it was irately slapped away. “Tell me; what’s the real reason for your outlandish behavior, my dearest? Have I been ignoring you, Dante? Do you miss me so much that you would burn down half the castle to get my attention?”

I’m more inclined to believe the exact opposite is actually the reason.  You’re a real creeper, Mr. Maximus.

“Yeah, right,” the young man scoffed, sullenly crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Now who’s livin’ in a world of fantasy?”

So, wait.  First, he talks in the stiff tone of everyone else, and now he has a country bumpkin’s mannerisms?  Well, one point for semi-decent characterization.

“Hmm,” hummed

doublefacepalm

the smirking administrator. “Edmund, would you be so kind as to take down the youth’s breeches for me?”

I….wha?  I think it’s time you got a new job, Edmund.

“As you wish, my Lord.”

Am I surrounded by crazy people?!  This may as well be the Beauty trilogy!

Obediently, the vassal stepped forth, but Dante quickly receded and attempted to escape by fleeing into the lavatory, only to have his plans thwarted by the administrator, who anticipated his scheme and quickly captured him in his clutches.

wth man

So much useless, over-written description.  Who honestly writes lavatory instead of bathroom outside of characterized dialogue, anyway?

“No … s-stop this!”

“Why hello there, unnatural dialogue!  How’s life treating you?  Still disrupting the flow by being completely outside the realm of how most people talk?  Good, good.  I’m glad we had this chat.

As his violet eyes widened,

Violet eyes: indicative of a Mary-Sue

Dante attempted to retreat further into the man’s strong chest, while the mousy Edmund stepped in front of him. “I won’t be disciplined like a child!”

Judging by the descriptions used for you, you are in fact still a child.  That’s the problem here.

A low chuckle rumbled from behind the young man, which only served to further incite his ire.

“Oh, Jesus, this again.”

“My dear boy,” whispered Lord Maximus into the youth’s ear, while reaching around him to seize his wrists in a bruisingly

That’s not a word

tight grip. “Must I remind you again that you are a child? All of your actions parallel those of a child; therefore you will be punished in a manner befitting your adolescence. Edmund … his britches?”

It was at this moment that Edmund began to reevaluate his career choice.  What had he, a mere servant, ever done to deserve a job as the royal pants puller?  He could have been an apothecary, or even a simple farmer with a wife and some children.  Instead, he was forced to help his master rape an unwilling child.  Oh, how the winds of fate did blow unfortunate tides onto his doorstep.  He only obeyed as well as he did in the hopes that his subservience would grant him better circumstances in his next life.

Nodding, the servant quickly unfastened the simple clasp on the growling youngster’s trousers,

I reeeeeaaally don’t like the implication of the word ‘youngster’.

before pulling them down over his slim hips, past his strong thighs, to finally rest at his knees.

How does one possess both slim hips and strong thighs?  Look, fangirls, I know you want him to be the perfect little bishounen with perfect legs, and womanly hips and curves, and a pretty, girly face but that’s just not realistic.  Please, stop making Gukes (girly ukes).  Please, the fandom is bogged down with them enough as it is.  If I wanted to read about a flat-chested dick girl getting pounded, I’d look for it, and I guarantee it would be better writing than this.

“Now, I’m going to release you and when I do I want you to bend over and place your hands on the mattress.”

“I won’t do it! I won’t willingly prostrate myself to be punished by you.”

First part is fitting, second part is unnecessary.  Duh, we know what he wants.  You don’t have to be so…verbose.  Oh, Jesus, I know someone who writes like this.  I wonder if this is her?

His tirade was met with another bout of humored titters, followed by Gunter softly saying, “I suppose your little tantrum lends further evidence to the fact that you are indeed a child.

*plugging ears* Oh Christ, no, he’s an adult!  He’s eighteen!  I am not reading a story about a pedophile!

Very well, Edmund I’m going to situate him over the bed, when I do I would like for you to restrain his arms to the mattress to hold him down.”

“No! Stop this madness!”

Please, for the love of God, stop this madness!  Look, spanking is kinky, but only when they both want it and it’s with consenting adults!  *turns away* Oh, God…

Dante fought them resiliently, going so far as to stomp on the regent’s foot, provoking Lord Maximus to momentarily slacken his hold and allowing him to slip free.

Wait, why didn’t he do that in the first place? *sigh*

As the man was grumbling over his throbbing appendage,

His throbbing what now?

Dante seized the opportunity to hike up his pants and then frantically rushed to the room’s exit, flinging the door wide open and racing down the corridor.

“Dante!” Lord Maximus roared. “Come back here this instant!”

Because he was just sooooo compliant before.  I’m sure he’ll listen to your orders, yes.

The escaping youth swiftly dashed through the prolix

Again with the misuse of words!  Prolix is a synonym for flowery, but it refers specifically to speech.  The word literally refers to someone being verbose or long-winded.  Hey…kinda like this story!

corridors in order to evade Gunter’s long strides, for he knew the man could easily outmaneuver him if he should hesitate.

“Dante!” bellowed

Nope.  Not even gonna say it.

the regent, alerting the guards that were on duty to come to his assistance. “Come back here! You know it’s futile to run from me!”

Ignoring his warnings, the spry youth eluded a team of oncoming sentries by leaping upon a staircase and quickly ascending it, his movements frantic as he climbed the tower.

Yes, trap yourself in a tower.  Smart.

Dashing into the area, Gunter’s attention followed the sentries’ gazes to observe the youth scrabbling up the staircase and a slow grin fashioned on his visage as he realized the scamp had inadvertently trapped himself.

See?  Stupid kid.

“You can’t hide from me, boy!” Ever since he obtained him, the youngster has

And then suddenly, time travel!  Hey, how about keeping your sentences in the same tense, eh?

turned out to be rebellious in every since of the word, forever reluctant to exist under the administrator’s stern guardianship.

I’m not sure anyone would want to be forced into sex as a minor who just wanted to go home and see his sister and mother.  Seriously, anyone would act that way.

“Dante dearest,” Gunter sweetly cooed,

No more wire hangers, evar!!!!

slowly ascending the stairs. “I’m going to count to ten, and if you don’t come out on your own accord, I’m going to be forced to retrieve you myself. And believe me; you’re not going to like that one bit.”

Smirking at Gunter’s tone, the youth realized the man’s attitude had modified from exasperated to playful and settled upon taunting him further by yelling, “GO AWAY! I DON’T EVER WANNA SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN!!”

Wait…so now he wants it?  Uh, that was fast.  Isn’t the sudden change of heart supposed to come when the rapist is doing the actual, er, raping?

At the teasing intonations of his voice, Lord Maximus became dizzy with delight

And fainted, falling back down the stairs, the stones digging into his skull.  He promptly died of hemorrhaging due to the injury and, given that no one else was a pedophile interested in raping a boy held against his will, Dante went home to live with his mother and sister.  He eventually settled down with a farm girl and they had two kids.  THE END.

and was finding it increasingly difficult to hide his escalating amusement. “Well, for your information, you’re going to have to see my face whether you like it or not!”

That’s just corny sounding.  Then again, most dirty talk is…

Gunter arrogantly replied. “Now show yourself, you little braggart!”

Yar he be!  Walk the plank, but be wary of yer bowels lest ye suffer a most shameful end!

“No fucking way!

*gasp*

You’re gonna have to come and get me if you want me, ya’ bastard!” Dante retorted from the top of the stairwell, before slamming the door shut.

Sooooo, he DOES want him?  Damn fangirls are so confusing.

“All of you stay here.” Lord Maximus instructed his men, who were steadily following him. “In fact, you may all return to your assigned tasks, while I tend to him.”

Tend to him with my penis that is. *wiiiiiink*

At the top of the spiral, Dante retreated to the far wall and peered through a plethora of disheveled black hair which was hanging over his violet eyes at the door,

Yes, I get it.  I already know, from previous descriptions, that he has violet eyes and black hair.  I give you props for not saying ‘obsidian’ yet, but your character is not my type and thus, nothing special to me.  I like MEN.

steeling himself for the inevitable confrontation with his self-appointed guardian.

Well, who was the derp that ran up the stairs and then taunted the freaking pervert?!  Fucking Christ!

He started to tremble with a mixture of fear and excitement

Okay, classic case of “he secretly wants it”, here.  I’m really sick and fucking tired of this, honestly.  It’s not sexy for me if there is even a hint of DO NOT WANT.  I get that some couples pretend and some people get off to danger, but this is just justification in the mind of the writer.  It’s a classic technique where they basically say that it’s okay to fap because he actually DOES want buttsecks.  It’s old, tired, overused and doesn’t work on anyone older than sixteen. Veteran fangirl is not amused.

when the rusting mechanism of the lock clicked and the door slowly opened, exposing him to a pair of icy blue eyes which beheld a predatory intent.

IT’S RAEPIN’ TIME.

A shuddery thrill skittered up his spine when the man’s pursed lips suddenly curved up in a cool smile, a smile which spoke eloquently of who was in control here.

“My word,” murmured the administrator, keeping his eyes transfixed on the youth as he closed and turned the mechanism to lock the door. “You’ve been exceedingly disobedient today, haven’t you?”

I think I would disobey my rapist, too.

Disinclined to answer, the youth merely stared at him in wonder as he found Gunter’s voice to be as soft and reserved as ever. It always seemed as if every word he spoke possessed an erotic undertone, the liquid syllables of his speech transforming even the simplest of words into tools of arousal.

no words

“Finding you here, patiently awaiting

Wrong use of the word ‘awaiting’

for me in this small room, gives me some rather interesting ideas, though.”

With the only viable exit blocked by the regent’s large frame, Dante realized he had absolutely no chance to escape this time.

Ya see what I mean?  The author keeps reassuring us that he can’t escape (and that he’ll secretly like) the imminent rape.

“What are ya’ gonna do?” he quietly asked, his voice vacillating with a hint of trepidation.

OH. MY. GOD.  Vaccill-what?  Fucking seriously?  *snrk*  God damn, there is no way this is serious.  It has to be a terrible joke.

His query was almost immediately countered by one of Gunter’s brash smirks, inciting Dante to try and meld himself with the stone wall behind him. “Gunter? WH-what are ya’ gonna do to me?”

RAEP

“Well, since I have you effectively trapped…,” replied the approaching administrator, stopping directly in front of the boy and then gracefully slipping an elegant hand into the front of his open trousers to coil his fingers around his half-hard sex, triggering Dante to hiss and bite his bottom lip.

Intro to the most unsexy descriptions ever.  Lol, half hard sex?

“…I suppose I’ll do whatever I wish.” Lord Maximus leaned down to press his soft lips against the youngster’s, dominating him with an insistent kiss.

I need an adult! I need an adult!

When they separated, the youth was panting and the administrator was awed by the spicy flavor of his wild responsibilities succulent lips.

WAT?  That didn’t make any sense!  His wild responsibilities have succulent lips and spicy flavor?

psyduck

“I can forgive you for a great many things, precious,” he muttered, stroking the boy’s now fully aroused flesh and earning a groan from him. “Although, I emphatically refuse to depart this room until I’ve properly punished you for running away from me, not once but twice today.”

“G-Gunter…” Dante whimpered, turning his head to the side to avoid the man’s penetrating gaze.

Sooooo many things wrong, here.  What happened to running away?  Suddenly you want it?  Suddenly having a rapist touch your peen makes it all better?  Look, yes male rape victims can become physically aroused, but mentally they tend to shut down.  This is just bad fangirlism and deserves a slap.

“That’s right,” whispered Lord Maximus against the boy’s

Man’s…because he’s eighteen, remember?

blushing left cheek. “You’re never going to escape, my love, and eventually you’ll have to learn to accept your position in my castle or I’ll have to punish you until you do.”

“And that position is on my penis.” *wiiiiink*

Then, without warning, he extracted his hand from Dante’s trousers, leaving the boy breathless and bewildered, and captured him by his left wrist to drag him over to the lone chair sitting on the opposite side of the room.

Due to his confused and aroused state, Dante didn’t struggle as the seated man yanked his britches down to his knees again, Gunter smiling at his confined hardness as it sprang free, and then arranged him over his lap belly down.

Okay, I call shenanigans.  I mean, I know I’m being a killjoy and that the author wanted Dante to be seated for this next part, but when men are at basic arousal (like Dante, here) they are not stupidly befuddled by it.  In fact, they’re pretty aware of their surroundings and are often lucid enough to make annoying commentary about your wallpaper.  It’s during orgasm that they become completely mind-melted dorks.

Only when he felt the presence of a warm hand gliding tantalizingly slow over his bare rear did he regain his senses and start to resist, but by then it was too late.

“Oh, that’s right!  You want to rape me!  I mean, it was pretty fucking obvious and I should have totally figured it out a while ago.  How stupid could I be as a character?”

“I’m so sorry, Dante,” Gunter commented, using a minimal amount of effort to restrain the tussling boy. “You brought this upon yourself.”

“Let me up!”

Should have thought about that ahead of time.  Way to fall into the fangirl’s trap of sudden stupidity in the face of YAOI.  Let us present it in a math equation.

If Guke(girly uke) is G and Rapist is R and G has a standard intelligence of 4, then when G and R are together, the intelligence (I)4 will go down by the amount of time (T) spent together.

G = (I)4
G + R(T) = lowered intelligence rate (LIR)

When extenuating circumstances such as exposed buttocks (B) come into play, intelligence begins to rise.

G + R(T) = LIR(B) = final intelligence level

I’m also well aware that I’m terrible at math.  Feel free to correct me with a real equation.

“I think not.” Lord Maximus slid his middle finger into the boy’s cleft

What is this I don’t even…

to graze it across his entrance thereby triggering the youth in his lap to jolt.

but I poop

“Just think … if only you were more obedient, then I wouldn’t be forced to punish you.”

“If you were more obedient you would just lie there while I raped you, slowly succumbing to the horrors of your reality until you killed yourself in desperation.  That, or you’ll just sink into a shell of your former self and becoming nothing but a rag doll with a hole.  Pleasant sounding, eh?”

Audience: I just lost my boner.

Me: GOOD

He slowly pushed his finger in a fraction, smiling when the youth groaned, and added, “… but once again you leave me no choice and I believe some old fashion corporal punishment will serve you well.” With that declaration, he extorted

Yet again we have a wrong use of a word.  Extort means ‘to wrench out or twist’ and implies torture.  Not sure if that’s what the author was going for, but I think they abused the thesaurus again.

his finger to raise his hand high up in the air and bring it down hard, striking Dante on his right globe

I will never view the Harlem Globe Trotters the same way again…

with a resounding SMACK!

“Damn it, Gunter!” hissed the youth. “That fuckin’ hurt!”

“That’s why it’s referred to as punishment, dear … it’s supposed to hurt and after I’m done with you, you will never contemplate trying to escape me again. I promise you that,” he spat, his fury once again superseding all of his other senses. Gunter struck him again, this swat more violent than the first, but Dante didn’t cry out. “Stoic as ever, I see. Well then, in order for you to learn your lesson, I suppose I’ll just have to increase the ferocity of my arm.” Lord Maximus struck him again and again, and with each blow the intensity accumulated but he still failed to extort

One could argue that this is actually a correct use of the word seeing as he is being tortured.  I also feel veeeery awkward reading this.

a cry from the boy even after the fifteenth strike.

Kid is damn hardcore.

Exasperated by his inability to earn even the slightest hint of uncomfortableness

Not a god damned word.  Stop making them up.

from the youth, he repositioned him by lowering the knee Dante’s chest was on but kept the other elevated, effectually priming his rump to be optimally trounced.

I…uh…okay well, we can figure out right away why he would be changing positions and thus don’t need to hear about this optimal trouncing.  Also, er…yea, just gonna move on.

Then, he repetitively struck him, ignoring the fact that his hand burned terribly and Dante’s rear was tinting a bright red. Finally, after administering thirty three vicious blows, Gunter was successful in drawing a pained sob from the willful youth. Satisfied with the earned reaction, he ceased his castigation to softy caress the fiery red globes,

I just see maps of the world painted on his ass.  God dammit, that image will never leave me.

smirking at the multitude of impure thoughts muddling through his mind.

I think, Mr. Maximus, that you should take a seat over there.

I think, Mr. Maximus, that you should take a seat over there


“What, what do ya’ want from me?” croaked the youth, momentarily compliant after his thorough spanking.

“To behave … to warm my sheets…,” whispered Gunter, skimming his willowy fingers through the sweaty fine fibers on the boy’s head in a soothing manner. “…to love me.”

And what better way to get someone to love you than to rape them, am I right?  Yea, when I thought this one guy was really cute, I dragged him to a closet and put it in his pooper with no lube.  Guy was crying and begging me to stop but I just kept going, saying I loved him and he should just understand that.  Anyway, the guard is telling me I need to get off so other inmates can use the computer.

“Love you?” Dante contemptuously murmured. “How can I ever love you when you beat me all the time?”

“I don’t mind the raping and molestation, but those beatings.  Man, those are just too much!”

“I would like for you to keep in mind that I wouldn’t have to lay a finger on you if you would learn to behave yourself.”

“But, before you get excited, I would also like to remind you that I will continue to lay my penis on you, regardless of your behavior.”

“Yeah right,” rejoined the boy sarcastically,

Rejoined?  Just fucking say ‘said’!  Stop being so afraid of a silly four letter word!

noticing the slack in the man’s grip and utilizing the man’s

Useless repetition is useless.

moment of failed concentration to quickly lift himself up from his lap. “You’re a first-class pervert, Gunter. Don’t think I don’t know that ya’ get some kinda sick thrill outta beating my ass. Why, just take a gander at that huge bulge in your trousers,” remarked Dante, pointing to the man’s lap accusingly. “Frankly, I’m surprised ya’ haven’t ruined your pants yet!”

That…is…the most…unsexy…awkward…dialogue…ever….It doesn’t help that I hear it in a bad ‘Jethro’ style, Southern accent.

Well aware of the aching strain in his nether regions,

Why not just go the full nine yards and say he had an ache in his loins, Jesus Christ.

Lord Maximus forewent glancing down at himself to peer at the protruding stick of flesh

*snrk*  FFFFFFFUUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA

jutting from between the boy’s legs, standing so tall and beautiful.

I…wait…I…WHAT!?

“I suppose I cannot deny the fact that I achieve a certain amount of satisfaction in punishing you, although I must admit that I’m a bit surprised at your hypocrisy.”

“Hypocrisy? What the hell’s that suppose to…”

“Come now, Dante. There’s no possible way you can deny the fact that you too receive some sort of enjoyment from being disciplined.”

“Enjoyment?! You’re bloody insane.”

So. Much. Jilted. Dialogue.

“Am I? Well, if that’s so, then how do you explain this?” he inquired, reaching forth to grab and then stroke the youth’s arousal, smiling when Dante’s hips mechanically bucked in his embrace.

Get it?  Cuz he’s embracing his penis, with his hand.  Huh, huh?  Get it?  Like a hug but around your penis.

“Did you know that the human body is exceedingly honest, Dante? Yes, the mind’s able to wrap itself around an infinite number of fabrications, but the body will rarely lie.

Actually, the body is tied to the purely physiological and is separate from the mind.  If the mind doesn’t dig it, the body generally doesn’t care.  People can have orgasms while being raped. TRU FAX.

From where I’m sitting, it’s quite obvious that your body relishes in being punish just as much as I savor in doling it out.”

Realizing he possessed no premise to object, Dante gritted his teeth and thrusted forward, hoping the man would bring him to completion soon. “Please…”

You do too have a premise to object!  You don’t want it!  What am I saying?  Just shut up and finish the chapter already. *grumble grumble*

“That’s the way I enjoy seeing my dear boy — so receptive.” Then, as quickly as his hand encircled the youngster’s swollen sex that’s just as fast as it abandoned him, leaving Dante to wildly thrust into thin air.

“Gunter? What the hell?!”

“Can’t you see I’m being out of character?”

Smirking at the youth’s expression of frustration, the older male leaned back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest to say, “It’s true that I’m more than prepared to ravish you right now, but before I do I wish to watch you masturbate for me.”

“What! Fuck that shit! There’s no way I’m performing for you,” he snarled.

“It’ll take a few more lines of your erotically convincing voice for that to happen!”

“Oh, but you will. Now, strip and kneel before me.”

“Go to hell, Gunter!”

“Go burn with the other pedos!”

———————-

Part 1 and 2 done.  Part 3 coming soon.  One more thing:

omg wat

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~ by sniffits on October 5, 2009.

4 Responses to “Let’s rip apart bad fiction, shall we? Part 2”

  1. omg, and now I know why when I ask if people read, they shout “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

    • Haha, well, I think people would read more romance if it weren’t so god awful and formulaic. Also, I’ve bookmarked your blog so I can read your novel. I like your writing style 🙂

  2. Thanks. ^^ I’ve got you in my bookmarks also. I have to slam the laptop shut whenever my boyfriend comes…oops too late. >_>

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