Let’s rip apart bad fiction, shall we? Part 1

So there I was, reading some stuff on the net, when I stumble upon this little gem.  Now, I’m used to shitty Yaoi, but this, no no no, this takes the cake.  This was as if someone took everything god awful about the fandom and wrote a story with it.  Riddled with cliches, bad writing, over description and horrid sex scenes, this story was like a letter to me addressed “Here’s why no one respects us as fans”.  Anyway, I tore it apart and skewered it like the battle-hardened fanbrat that I am and am now posting it for you all to read.  Enjoy, and try not to get cancer.

My comments are in italics

Resistance is Futile

Chapter 1: “The Fireworks Ensue”

In the northwest providence of Warwickshire County sat Warwick castle,

Warwickshire?  Rearry?  Why not just name it Worchesteshire?

an affluent estuary on the River Phoenix. Travelers and residents alike considered the royal borough a marketplace for the trade of high-end goods and services and the municipality thrived thanks to the masterful guidance of the current leader, Lord Gunter von Maximus,

*snrk* Oh God, that name is legendary.  That’s like something you name your character when you’re trying to be an ass on a role play site.

who possessed a reputation for administrative efficiency.

Now, now darling.  A paragraph in and we’ve already started showing off our $10 words, eh?  I say, this document is penned with the utmost verbosity to which I say the scribe is affluent in the language of loving the sound of their own voice.

Lord Maximus

*snrk*


was appointed to the administrative position by King James X nearly five years ago, after the previous administrator, the king’s nephew, was assassinated,

This sentence is getting too long.

and even though the regent was ruthlessly proficient in his professional tasks and managed the castle with an iron yet surprisingly gentle fist,

PENIS

his personal life was often thrusted

Thrusted?  All that thesaurus rape and you use a basic word incorrectly?  Way to make yourself look ‘tarded.

into chaotic disarray by the citadel’s resident agitator, Dante.

First off, long sentence is long, overly verbose and entirely disjointed from the narrative flow.  Second, Dante?  Jesus Christ, this is like a 16-year-old came up with this.

Case in point, the crisp fall afternoon was growing late and the chirping red-crested wrens were congregating
Since when do birds congregate?  And does it really matter that they’re wrens?

Main bird:  Order, order!  I will have order in my tree!

All other birds: *chirp chirp chirp*

Main bird:  Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to
poop on the statue of King James X.  If you are intercepted we
will deny any relation.  Good luck and God speed.

on the sycamore tree outside the administrator’s stately office, as Gunter’s inked quill

Isn’t it implied that the quill is inked?  How does one go about flitting on parchment with an un-inked quill?

elegantly flitted over a sheet of parchment

Flitting count: 1

in which he chose to author an invitation to the 6th annual Royal Gala

gala

Ball he was appointed to host in three days, when his concentration was disrupted by a loud explosion which shook the castle’s walls, thereby muddling his steady hand thus ruining the invitation.

Fun Fact:  From ‘Case in point’ to ‘ruining the invitation’ there were no pauses.  Yes, that was all one sentence.  Christ almighty in Heaven…

Growling at the disturbance, Lord Maximus turned to peer out of the window just in time to watch the frightened wrens take flight and to witness the good, upstanding citizens of his kingdom fleeing from a nearby rectory. Additional screams of fright fluttered to his ears when the first explosion was quickly followed by a smattering of smaller explosions, the blasts exclamated

Oh come now, making UP words?  Did you really use them all already?

by the brilliant colors of fireworks exploding in the clear blue, cloudless sky.

Doesn’t ‘clear blue’ imply cloudlessness?

“What in the name of the king is…?”

Why hello there, out of place exclamation!  Thank you for disjointing the narrative tone further! *smile*

“Lord Maximus! Lord Maximus!” shouted the frazzled Edmund, bursting into the study unannounced. “Sire! I fear I have terrible news! It’s Dante, my Lord. S-somehow he’s managed to disappear once again!”

I just imagine this read in a stuffy British accent.  You know, the one where the guy’s name is Reginald Huffington and he says things like “mmmmyessss.”

Upon hearing the latest update on his felonious ward,

He would later lay hands upon the boy’s felonious buttocks.

the administrator’s right eye started to twitch in vexation

As opposed to joy.

and he hissed the impeccably wayward youth’s name while angrily stalking towards the door. “What’s your excuse for not keeping a vigilant eye on him this time, Edmund?!”

Peter!  Susan!  Lucy!

“I beg you’re forgiveness, Sire,” apologized the servant,

Oh Jesus Christ. It’s Eragon all over again.  He obviously already apologized in the dialogue, he doesn’t need to do it again.  Seriously, that’s like saying: “Sorry” he apologized.

trailing in the graceful steps of the tall, broad shouldered man. “But I was preoccupied with assisting a scullery maid, who was having some difficulties with a batch of wooden pots, when apparently he slipped away.”

I just keep hearing everyone speaking in that stuffy British accent.

“For the love of King James,” muttered the sighing Lord Maximus, stroking the developing ache near his right temple.

Telling us it’s his right temple is just that important to the development in his character!

“Edmund, correct me if I’m mistaken, but I believe your primary function at this citadel is to see that Dante doesn’t burn it to the ground!” barked the administrator,

Again, you used an exclamation point.  I think I, and most readers, could infer that he was yelling.

as he briskly crossed the walled courtyard on his way to the fireworks display which was still emanating from the rectory. “Giraldus!”

Why are we having British and Greek names together?  Their language must sound weird.

he bellowed over the townspeople’s panicked shrieks, capturing his chief military officer’s attention, a tall man who was overseeing the extinguishing of the fire. “What’s the status? Will you be able to regain control?”

This mistake is pretty understandable and a bit harder to spot, but the dialogue sounds pretty out of place here.  We, and Giraldus, can figure out why Gunter is calling out his name.  You could replace this with the officer’s nod and explanation of the situation.  For example, if a cop were to shout to another cop during a shootout, it can be inferred why he’s shouting without saying anything.

“Aye, my Lord. My men are on the verge of squelching

What military officer talks like this?

the incident and have already started to reassure the townsfolk, but I fear the firworks

Spelling error.

for your nighttime entertainment for the annual gala have been ruined. I’m sorry, but we had no choice but to douse the flames with water, Sire.”

As opposed to more fire.

“It’s not your fault, Giraldus,” Lord Maximus

Next to each other, the names sound even worse.

admitted,

Again, it’s already been inferred by the dialogue.

placing a hand of approval on the veteran officer’s shoulder. “I’m sure the citizens will sleep well tonight with the knowledge that Warwick castle’s so justly protected by you and your men.”

“Thank you kindly,

Honestly, he talks so stiffly, it’s like he’s a machine designed to represent bad British stereotypes.

but before you start gifting my infantry with praises,

Waaaaaay too verbose.

I thought I should inform you that we have yet to learn the identity of the perpetrator, your Excellency.”

Flitting

Flitting count: 2

Tell me, do his excretions flit from his bum?

a malicious glance towards Edmund, who was smiling nervously at the duo, Lord Maximus cleared his throat to coolly state, “Oh, I have a strong suspicion as to who architected this fiasco. Giraldus, I would like for you to form a small brigade of reliable men and scour the grounds for Dante, please.”

A small complaint but, what ruler says please?  Also, still too verbose but I think that comment’s pretty much implied.

Raising a dark

comma

questioning brow,

How many times am I gonna repeat myself?  Too much description for shit we could figure out on our own.  Raising a brow means your questioning something.

the General glanced between Edmund and the sullen regent before repeating, “Dante, my Lord?”

“Yes, Giraldus, I know it’s a stupid name.  But, really, who are you to talk?”

“Yes Dante, and there’s really no reason for you to appear so surprised. When you locate him, escort him to my chambers,”

And all the fangirls squealed.

instructed

Already implied.  *sigh*

the administrator, glancing over at the catastrophe masterminded by his ‘charge’

Ten bucks, his ‘charge’ is there against his will and thus not his ‘charge’ by the normal definition of the word.

once again before sighing and taking his leave.

Once the imposing man was a save

safe

distance away, Giraldus sidled

Walking is for normal people.  These guys sidle.

up to Edmund to quietly state, “Honestly, I don’t understand why he puts up with that miscreant’s nonsense.

Because rape is sooooooo worth it.

Why doesn’t he just do away with him?”

Well, then he would have to find another unwilling and barely legal kid to molest!

“I’m afraid he can’t, General.”

"Chris Hansen would catch him for sure!"

"Chris Hansen would catch him for sure!"


“Well, why not?” queried the intrusive commander.

“Queried”: question is already implied.

Edmund graced the mystified man with a small smile, but offered him no further explanation of Lord Maximus ‘unusual’ relationship with Dante.

“Trust me, you don’t want to know.  Just, stay ignorant, you lucky fool.”

———————–

Part 1 over.  Parts 2 and 3 coming soon.

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~ by sniffits on October 5, 2009.

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